|
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig..) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the.....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) Think About This People Over 35 Should Be Dead. According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.) As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes,nor did the worms live inside us forever. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them! Congratulations. Being the Realist that I am, I could not have said this better......... Sure hits the nail on the head ! To anyone with kids of any age, or any kid......... How feel-good, politically correct teaching has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this has set them up for failure in the real world. ELEVEN RULES OF LIFE Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it. Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So, before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are, you'll end up working for one. |
|
EMPLOYER TALK: ============== "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour. "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year. "AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up,but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft. "PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. "COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers. "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since. "IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. "SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. "SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions. "WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. "SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover. "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. "FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them. "A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start. "A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time. "FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. "DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control. "COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired. "ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We love brown-nosers. |
|
ONLY IN AMERICA 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. |
|
" Dummass Old Sayings"
Read on........ Mother to a child.... Do you want a whippin!? (surprizingly, there are some who said yes.) I'm going to beat you within a half inch of your life! (This is just too hard to calculate.) You wait till your Daddy comes in and I tell him! (Whew!, At least it'll just be a "talkin to".) I'm gonna snatch you baldheaded! (Now, that would be just too funny!) I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap! (And, I'm gonna fight you even more when you do!) I'm going to Blister you till you can't sit down! (good, no school for me!) I'll Blister you till you cant sit down for a month! (No school for a month? Go for it!) I'll whip you every step of the way back home! (Every step? Ok, lets see who gives out first. hee hee hee) I'll give you a good whipin! (Well, at least it's not gonna be one of those "bad" ones!) I'll jerk you up and give you a good whipin! (Jerk This!) If you fall out of that tree and hurt your self, If you don't stop that nonsense now, I'll jerk a Another comment like that and I'll skin you from end The booger man will get you. (So, thats why the boogers are eaten!!!) This hurts me more than it hurts you. (Well, if thats true, then don't do it at all!) Do you want me to woop you now or later? (Uh, gosh, do it later cuz I'm havin too much fun right now.) You might as well jist smile, bend over, and kiss I'll knock you into next week. (But, but, I'll miss the weekend that way.....!) You eat every bite of that, there are people in China starving! (Oh? The kids in China don't have to!) You'll think twice before you do that again! (Shoot!, "once" was always good enough for me.....!) Words & Terms that the Old Folks use.... Arin....... Pronounced Air'-en Play Purty......... Simply meaning, "toy" Mis-pronounced words.... Lawyer - Pronounced just like it looks.... (Law'- yer) Tarus - Pronounced just like it looks.... (Tar'us) Specific - When some wish to speak of something specific, 
|